Becoming a parent is just the beginning

By Richard Woolven, Trustee

There can be no denying that undergoing fertility treatment is a stressful experience. Those of us who have faced the tests and injections, the prodding, the pitying faces, the mocking, the indifference and the thousand other indignities are all too aware of just how much of a struggle it can be. But, in my experience, one of the hardest things has been the expectations of others now that we have our family.

I would not for one second change the outcome of our treatment and I would endure it again if we were back at the beginning, but there is a feeling that somehow everything should now be perfect. That we should somehow be able to simply put the strain of the past behind us and live our lives in endless bliss, filled with the joy that having children can bring. That having got through treatment with a successful outcome we should need no further help, should never be allowed to moan or be tired or get angry or frustrated.

But we are parents and parenting is a struggle at the best of times. Parenting after the emotional bulldozer of IVF is harder still.

So, while those of us who have our children will always be grateful to people like Mark, Laura and Cathy, my fellow trustees, who have given so much of their time and their genes to help create families like mine, remember that our need for support does not end with a successful pregnancy. For all of us it is in fact the beginning. The beginning of something wonderful, but a journey in which we still need help and support and guidance from those that care about us the most.

My dream

By Laura Hughes, Trustee

My dream: we have just tucked into bed two very cold, tired but extremely happy children. Our Christmas card village cut off by snow, no school and no work. So we spent the day in the snow, building snowmen, throwing snowballs, sledging down the now car-free hill and popping inside every now and then to refuel and get dry gloves.

But this is not a dream – this is real life and is all thanks to the
generosity of a wonderful man, a donor, who made it all possible. A man who could be bothered. A man who was prepared to give his time, effort, thought, kindness (and genes!)

And from that kindness comes this – the joy of a normal family life: wet clothes all over the radiators, wellies upside down in the sink, no drinking chocolate left, blue lips, cold hands and very, very warm hearts.

With our deepest thanks.

Why I became a trustee

By Dr Ruth Curson, Trustee

I asked to work with the NGDT because I have seen the happiness having a family with a donor’s help can bring to couples who can’t for some reason or other do it by themselves.

For thirty years I worked in a Fertility Clinic with special responsibility for the sperm bank. The donors were lovely – such thoughtful people – and the people coming for help were very focused. Many of them had had a terrible journey through hope and despair and failed treatments. Having a family really changed their lives.

I’m retired now but I still keep in touch with some of the families. And I still want to help in any way I can to let people know that this is something very special they can do to help others.

New year’s resolution

By Kriss Fearon, Trustee

I was in a queue in a shop the other day and overheard the woman behind me talking into her mobile phone. ‘My mum says people who don’t have children are selfish, they don’t think of anyone except themselves’, she said, with no apparent awareness that what she was repeating might be offensive, or even that she could be overheard by everyone else in the shop.

Being very English I seethed and said nothing. I don’t have kids (more by accident than by design) so what she said raised my hackles anyway. But an understanding of the pain that people go through when they can’t have kids is what led me to become an egg donor.

What an opinion to hold about such a large group of people. It’s great if you’re child-free by choice, but if you’re going through the very traumatic experience of fertility treatment, or trying to live with not being able to have kids, of course you’re going to want to fill your life with meaningful things that aren’t necessarily focused around families or children. How narrow minded do you have to be not to consider that’s what someone might be doing.

I sincerely hope that someone put her mother right. And next time, I’ll say something instead of biting my lip and fuming about it afterwards!

Sperm donors – they’re not w**kers

By Kriss Fearon, Trustee

A friend posted on Facebook yesterday that she was really upset by some builders who had shouted insulting abuse at her on the way to work, and to balance that out she was remembering one by one all the men she knew who were lovely.

I sympathised. As someone who’s never found relationships with the opposite sex easy, after a while you do begin to get a bit cynical. So I decided to do the same.

I’m blessed with a lot of lovely friends, but the first men that came to mind were the sperm donors I’ve met during my work with the Trust, and what amazing, compassionate people they are. This is what one of them has to say about why he donated:

I cannot begin to provide my condolences for those that cannot conceive. By being a donor, I hope that someone’s dream will become true.

Not what you’d expect from your typical macho man, eh. But that’s the thing: donating sperm is an incredibly kind and compassionate thing to do. Women are encouraged to be empathic, help others, and also to talk about it, but we don’t expect that of men. And sperm donors themselves don’t tend to say much – they have a think, make a decision about what they can do to help someone in need, and quietly get on with it.

Meeting men like this has really made me think. If we’d got to know each other as friends, I’d probably never know they’d been donors. And I can’t help wondering what else I don’t know, haven’t noticed or valued about the men around me.

Talking to your partner about becoming a donor

Many donors talk things through with their friends and family before they donate. It’s an important and very personal decision which is made easier with the love and support of a partner.

But sometimes partners have reservations, don’t understand why someone might want to become a donor or are worried about the implications. Some people feel that their partner’s eggs or sperm are special and don’t like the idea of them being used to create another family. These initial thoughts and worries are a normal reaction and with time and some discussion, you can work together to make the best choice for you as a couple and your family.

Here’s one woman’s story about how she came to terms with her husband’s desire to become a sperm donor.

Making a difference

By Richard Woolven, Trustee

Like a lot of people the thing I want most in life is to make a difference. A difference to the life of my children, my wife, my extended family and as many others as I can. I’m happy to admit that a lot of it is selfish. I love the feeling that I get from surprising a stranger with an offer of assistance, be it stopping if I see someone broken down at the side of the road, stopping to let a person cross the road or giving directions to someone that is clearly lost but is too afraid to ask.

So getting on the train last week to attend one of our twice-yearly trustee meetings was as pleasurable as it always is. I am not an adventurous person, if anything I’m a very very mild agoraphobic, so getting on a train to London always feels slightly intrepid to me. And the fact that I’m doing it to help others have the family that I already have and help pay forward the kindness of those that helped me is the best buzz in the world.

The meeting was the best I’ve yet attended by some considerable margin. With a successful egg donation campaign under our belt and a number of new ideas in the pipeline the feeling that we, as a group, are genuinely changing attitudes is phenomenally exciting.

It might only be twice a year but it makes a difference to my life and I hope it makes a difference for a lot of others too.

Diary of a Sperm Donor Part 4

It’s been months, but it’s over.

Last week I was tested again and made my final donation, which felt kinda odd like I should be feeling more than I was. The clinic were lovely and one of the doctors spoke to me and said thankyou very much, and gave me a bottle of champagne to make up for not being able to pay… which I’ve not opened yet. It can wait until I hear of any success.

Talking about it now feels kinda empty. It was months and months! My count, sadly, was somewhat variable so it was all rather irregular and while most of it was spent on twice a week I finished on once a week and there was even a few weeks where we stopped as my count crashed – apparently this is quite normal, just a virus or summat I had months ago messing things up. It recovered soon after but it meant it took a bit longer and in the end I didn’t give a full set of samples, which I feel odd about too.

It’s a very strange process. I’ve been quietly jealous reading the Egg Donor Diary and wishing it had been a short process like that, I’d happily take drugs to make my count go sky high so it only needed to be a few samples! I will remember it as a very odd patch in my life and I now know more about bits of myself and the way my bits work than I ever really wanted to.

While I know I’ve done a good thing really all the tests and routine were a hassle, and I found myself mentally avoiding the topic for quite some time but you get entirely used to it and it just becomes part of your life. But it is a relief when you’re back permanently off the clock. Still I find myself tempted to try and finish the set in a year or two, feels like a job not quite finished and it’s no big hassle – just a potentially long one.

But for now it’s over. Life returns somewhat to normal but as I won’t be ‘available’ as a donor until early next year any news or cause for celebration seems a long way off.

Pen portraits

As a donor, when you sign the consent form to say your donation can be used, there’s also a section where you can write a pen portrait of yourself. This is something that the donor-conceived person can read, as an adult, if they’re interested in finding out more about you.

Donors often find this hard to write – why are donor-conceived people interested in this information and what do they want to know?

Donor-conceived people have a range of reasons for wanting to know about you, their donor. Some have no interest at all, others are curious about why their donor donated, others want to know where their physical and emotional characteristics might come from. For some it is crucial to their own sense of who they are.

The questions donor-conceived people tend to ask are about what their donor is like as a person – they have all the factual details such as hair colour and height from other parts of the consent form.

When asked, donor-conceived people said they would like to know what sort of a person you are – what you were good at (or bad at!) at school, whether you’re religious or not, what your hobbies and interests are, whether you are sporty, your temperament, eating habits and preferences, and anything else that’s important to you. One said that they were keen to find out:

‘The kind of person my donor is; how he relates to others; and to see something he’s written, which is more personal.’

Many donor-conceived people would like to know whether their donor has a family and children of their own, so if they have any half brothers or sisters around their own age.

Although it can be hard to find the words to describe yourself to an adult person you may never meet, most donor-conceived people care very much about the effort their donor puts in to writing a pen portrait.

If you didn’t write a pen portrait when you donated, you can update your details on the HFEA Register if you wish. Contact the HFEA to find out more.

Wonderful women

By Laura Witjens, Chair

We often get patients wondering why people would donate. Until they’re faced with their infertility it is a question they never have to ask themselves. But once you start this process and feel you are at the mercy of some kind stranger the question “WHY would they do it?” does come up. I’ve written about this in this post as well.

Donors come in all shapes and sizes, from all different backgrounds. I wish I could say from all ethnic backgrounds as well but unfortunately that is not true. South Asian donors we need you!!

What donors do have in common is a desire to help. Men and women who want to make a difference. It can be as simple as that.

Birmingham Women’s Hospital had an Egg Donor Launch recently, check here for more detail, and two of their donors were interviewed for BBC Midlands.

View this wonderful clip and be inspired by these open positive NORMAL women. Don’t just believe what I write, listen to what they say.

They are amazing don’t you think?